and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
