I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
50% drunk capacity currently
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
