so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
