Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
