You were right. It hurts to walk today.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
