$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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