She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
