I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
