Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
