Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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