If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
