I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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