I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
