I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
