so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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