my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
