I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize