Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
