i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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