just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
