I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
