Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
