You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
