She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
