hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
