ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
