I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
