Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
