I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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