Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
