Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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