If i come over, it means nothing
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
