My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
