If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
