so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
