I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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