So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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