last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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