He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
