You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
