their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You smell like a Billy Joel song
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Randomize
