I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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