There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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