So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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