Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My bed smells like the plague
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
