He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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