Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
