the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He shit in the fireplace
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
