im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
