ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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