I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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