I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
