i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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