I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize