I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
