So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I cannot find my penis.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
