Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
