remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
