My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
