my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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