I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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