if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
