people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize