he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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