if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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