I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just invented taco cereal.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize