So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is my gift to your gina
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
