a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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